Great job starting off the article calling anybody who would argue with you an idiot. “Hey… these are all the things that people who are socially intelligent agree with… if you disagree… guess what? You are an asshole.” I am referring to the title, for all the people who will get confused.

So many of these things I will say, mostly because I am really really annoyed with watching the same nonsense happen over and over again. Like I am some kind of prisoner in some kind of twisted Telltale Games Highly Immersive Game — where I keep getting informed that my choices will do something… but it seems no matter what choice I do the same outcome will generally happen.

Let’s go over them.

The implied “I told you so” (First one, good start)

I don’t ever actually say this anymore. I don’t have to. I mention how something will end up turning out 99 times out of a hundred… and make certain I have been heard… and when basic probability comes out how basic probability comes out… people just act like I’ve said it.

The words need not come from my facehole — the consequences of those words are already fully felt by everybody. Saying them would purely be a unnecessary frivolous ceremonial — that mostly needs to wait until everything is cleaned up.

As well, at this point, my warning does not actually matter — and now whatever mess has happened is happening, and the mess needs help in being cleaned up.

Admitting you have some world experience “I know how you feel”

I will admit — most people think that they are special and that they are the protagonist to the television show of life. I’m an oddball, in that I’m fairly certain I am the evil monster that one day the hero of legend will show up.

That hero of legend is taking his time. No… I’m not kidnapping any virgins. I would prefer to kidnap mature women who have been around the block a few time and know a few things — but they seem to be dealing with enough issues as things stand. My kidnapping would be intended to mostly suggest that this archetype is the preferred one to a woman who has no clue about anything at all, and has no reference point for their hero’s nonsense.

My values dissonance with society should be more than enough to have that hero showing up so you can all live happily ever after… where the heck are they?

But most people… want to think that they are somehow unique and special — and that things are different when it happens to them. Which is really fucking annoying that so many people do this. Is this something that society puts on people as a value? Is this just something humans are more inclined to do? No clue… it is still super freaking annoying, and my eyes start rolling when I am required to deal with it.

That being said… I’m not a fan of performances. Which is largely what this is about — this person who has had something bad happen to them just wants to make a huge big show about shit. Which sometimes it is less effort to just have it happen.

However, if you are regularly dealing with somebody who is constantly doing this set of theatrics whenever something less than ideal occurs to them… well, when things happen so that their theatrics become about me, I’ve lost any interest to not play along.

Yeah… that person screaming about me is yet another who has been harmed by my many legends of evil. Blah blah blah. I’m glad to not be dealing with them anymore — I lack the energy for that nonsense.

Essentially… feeling the need to say “I know the feel” is itself a yellow flag. Not quite a red flag… but when you have to do it a fair amount, it is a yellow flag.

I did what I could — blaming me is a waste of time (3 out of eleven! I’m an idiot emotionally! xD)

If it isn’t your fault, never fucking take responsibility for something. Go ahead tell them that it isn’t your fault.

Why do I say this? Well, “taking responsibility” never actually builds up trust. People say it does — but the reality is… this isn’t how it works.

You just get made into a villain — and anytime something breaks, guess who has to take responsibility.

Hell, you want people to start blaming you for shit that isn’t naturally possible? Well, guess what? They will do it whether you take responsibility or not.

The whole “just take responsibility” is shitty advice, and just has people blaming and being abusive to you more — because you just told them you could.

You flat out told them that if you push them into a dirt puddle, that it is your fault that they pushed you — and your responsibility for it.

This “just take responsibility” nonsense is a waste of time.

This never actually builds trust — that is the fucking biggest lie people keep saying.

“That was stupid” applies to out of character behavior (four out of eleven, this is number six)

Ever just try Meth? Like… somebody is all, “hey… you look like an adventurous sort… how about a Meth-Adventure?”

Now, this is not how addictions start. Anti-labour and anti-union practices is how you get a massive population all working three part time jobs to not be able to afford the basics all hooked on meth…

But this sort of this of “hey… let’s try Meth this Tuesday” thing happens. A decision that is out of somebody’s character, completely against their values — and really makes no sense for them to actually do.

If they didn’t know better — than it really isn’t stupid.

But if they’ve been driving for ten years, got the best insurance coverage — just one time being all, “so I decided to see what driving into oncoming traffic would feel like, on the other side of the divider” warrants a “that was stupid”

Now… to say this, you have to know the person really well. If you are at the point where a casual grope is considered good form — this is probably also something that could be said. This includes platonic gropes as well. Which I’ve had plenty of people assure me is totally a real thing, and I should be completely okay with receiving them.

As I’ve said before, you assholes don’t actually listen, and everything goes in one ear and out the other

Notice how so much of my response comes from me being frustrated in living in what seems to be a personal hell, where I literally watch shit explode in slow motion and lack the ability to stop it on my own — and any time I am all, “hey guys, maybe this doesn’t work” I get flagged as being too negative.

I mean… sure Bullwinkle, let’s see you pull that rabbit out of that hat.

This is something that comes up when I’ve literally repetitively warned somebody that doing something is a Bad Idea(TM). And then… holy shit, maybe I’m not a total fucking moron and might have some clue apart from being a walking pair of tits. What a Novel Concept(TM)©(R)

When I say this… it is one of those warning phrases, that lets you know that you could die in drop of a catch on fire cliff (two phrases combined for effect, yes)… and I’d actually feel slightly less stressed. Most of my stress would come from worry about people being upset with me not having to deal with somebody’s nonsense anymore.

“As I’ve said before” is the polite form of “listen here you stupid piece of shit”

Sure — not using it might have it so you have the same chance of listening to me as when I said something before without saying it… but clearly those chances really are not really enough to entice me to not say it.

With All Due Respect Sarcasm is the Red Headed Step Child of Irony We Beat Regularly

“With All Due Respect” exists in the same place as “Bless your heart”… it is a polite way to say “fuck you”

Now… sometimes say, “fuck you” is a more cathartic response… but when you mix it with DamnedByFaintPraise it gives a much better feeling. Like… here I can actually feel a small bit of joy. Sure… it is bitter disappointed and angry joy — but dammit, people complain about me having too high standards — and then complain when I lower them again, so let’s just flaunt how they don’t like me with lower standards either.

If you are hearing this said to you a fair amount… well… with all due respect, this article about emotional responses does have me feel emotions. Possibly not the ones you intended — but positive thoughts, right?

Though… I guess my association of this with DamnedByFaintPraise just means I’m emotionally a moron — you know because I disagree with your statement.

Well… how did I do — six out of eleven are things that I do, and have actual reasons behind doing them. Clearly my reasons are nonsense… because well, anybody who disagrees with you is an uncultured idiot with no ability to handle even the basic empathy.

I mean… your title says it best when it is all, “agree with me, or you are a douche bag asshole”

I could just do that — but I figured I’d go over the various bits here — and point out why and how you should understand I am a horrible evil monster and all that stuff. Maybe it will encourage the hero of legend to show up, so happily ever after can happen, dammit. Freaking tardy little scamp.