What makes you goth?

I’m fairly certain awareness of Vincent Price or having watched Alice Cooper’s run on Muppets is what causes people to turn Goth.

I was once a normal everyday A-grade honour student, work a proper school outfit — my uniform 100% in order. The perfect child that every parent creens over having. My hair blonde and in curls. My attitude cheery and bright — and not inclined to tell adults no for an answer.

Then one day I walked by the Teacher’s Lounge and the fiendish English Studies teacher had some poetry playing. It was Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven being read by Vincent Price. The next full moon after that, I woke up the next morning covered in blood and an open pack of clove cigarettes in my pocket — along with a notebook full of sketches of the arcane and really really bad poetry. I asked the waiting staff where I was — being disorientated — and I was informed I was at the Denny’s from the Bad Side of Town. I ran scared and screaming out of this place.

Before the town Pastor could rub wolf’s bane on my chest and back, I had unfortunately listened to a Deep Purple album… finalising my change and morphing me into a TEENAGE GOTH. Complete with the full discography of Bauhaus.

Luckily it was TEEN GOTH and not TEEN WEREWOLF… as nobody lynch mobs teen goths out. They just assume we will kill ourselves if left to our own purposes — and have a booth set aside at the Denny’s… but only the bad Denny’s. Not like a Doom Denny’s… that would be an improvement.